On Saturday, while scrolling through instant Amazon videos, I thought I'd found the perfect fit. It was called "Wilderness Family." It looked wholesome and clean enough. It was made in the 1970's and the general plot outline described a family who left city life for wilderness life to benefit their sickly daughter. Good clean air and all that...
So, what I actually discovered was that this movie is perfect for "Mystery Science Theater'in" it up with the fam. It's clean enough for the little ones that they will be clueless....but the movie itself is just...so....badly written, acted and directed, it makes for some pretty hysterical and priceless family moments. As Josh summed it up, most of the money probably went to the booze the cast drank every day. Or maybe it was tree juice? Hard to say. So, if you are interested, here is a short plot summary/review:
Upon arriving in the wilderness, Skip (the Pa), Pat (the Ma) and little Jenny (kid one) and Toby (kid 2) embrace and smile and their dog Crust barks with joy and you can almost see the rainbows and skittles falling from the sky behind them. They are moving back to NATURE and they know nothing can be better!
They move into a dilapidated old log cabin with a rusty stove and inches of dirt and dust and most likely rodent feces and fleas. I could almost see the bubonic plague greet them at the door. Instead, a racoon wanders out of the stove. No one even looks surprised. Everyone stands around like, "Awww, how cute, a little raccoon." Little
Secondly, the family is pretty much immediately chased out of the cabin by a bear which wanders up and begins to eat all their food, which they left out on the ground while they explored the cabin. They manage to climb on the roof, which is about the bear's height if it had decided to stand up. They sit in the rain to contemplate how this could have gone differently.
But the next day, all is right with the world. Little Toby got to sleep with his new raccoon pet and everyone wakes up bright eyed and bushy tailed and begins to cut down trees and frolic through the open prairie, while random animals skip and jump by...rabbits and foxes and deer and such. It really brings a tear to the eye and the viewer really begins to feel the burden of "city life." It makes you wanna just jump out of your skin, find some kids and dogs and go sit in the lap of Mother Nature. The family begins building another, bigger, log cabin with their own two hands. Everyone really enjoys this back breaking hard work and it's done with super cheerful hearts and smiles the whole way. Even when they have to use handmade pulleys, which I'm guessing they made out of strings from their own long-johns and scotch tape. In the end, their cabin looks amazing and rustic and cozy.
Not long into the movie, an avalanche randomly happens and no one is hurt except a mother bear, who is pretty much smashed under a pile of rocks, miraculously leaving two small bear cubs unharmed and orphaned. So of course the family adopts them. It would be cruel to do otherwise. Not long after that, the two kids find what they mistakenly think of as orphaned Mountain Lion cubs. They are scolded for bringing them home, because their mother might be looking for them. Dad tells them to go play with the bears while he takes the cubs back home. Dad sees no need to take his gun with him on this little errand. Happily, they find the right den, but unhappily, Mama Mountain Lion does not seem to understand they are returning her little ones to her and tries to eat Dad. Happily for them, good 'ol Crust saves the day and fights off Mama Mountain Lion. With a few mere scratches they all part ways.
The movie goes on and on like this. The family encounters some dangerous wild animal and walks away with scratches. For example, the kids are told by a wise old nomad named Boomer, not to fear the wolves, wolves won't hurt 'ya, but be-ware of an old rogue Grizzly named Three Toes. Three toes manages to ambush the women folk while they were picking berries and managed to break into their solid cabin, tearing out windows and breaking down the door, finally getting shot by the Dad who was starting to learn to bring his gun with his person when wandering around those parts. The family has a decision to make after this little incident. Dad tells the family they will go home unless Mom wants to stay. He then looks at her with big puppy dog eyes, obviously silently pleading with her to stay. This seemed a little selfish and obvious to me. She had to thnk about that. So she walked two feet away to a rock jutting out over a beautiful lake and pondered for like three whole minutes of film time before turning around and joyfully proclaiming "Let's STAY!." Cheering commences. Credits role.
That's when I discovered it's a trilogy. Oh yes, that's right. It's a TRILOGY. There are three of these babies out there. And yes, I watched the second one. Not sure what this says about me exactly. I guess it says when something bad happens, I can't just look away. It's like watching a bad car accident.
I won't bore you with all the details on this one. Just that I was supremely impressed that they survive the winter given their set of problem solving skills and know-how, and propsensity to break any life-saving device in sight, like the radio. I will say, that I was supremely impressed that while frolicking in the snow and a mountain lion begins to stalk one of their adopted family members, baby bear number one, Dad goes all Rambo on it, except, without the gun, cuz he never has his gun on him. Why should he, it's his HOME for God's sake, and it also just happens to be the wilderness.....anyway, he intercepts the Mountain Lion and BODY CHECKS it, while the lion sinks it's claws into his shoulders....they fall off a snowy cliff. But no harm is done because there's like twenty feet of soft pillow like snow to cushion their fall. Thanks to good ol' Crust, the mountain lion is scared away and everyone walks home and no doctor is even needed. Which is good because there ain't one around. Something tells me that in reality that would have gone a bit differently.
So to summarize the basic message I got out of these movies:
1. Nature is amazing and beautiful and healthy! 2. You don't need to be afraid of wild animals with sharp teeth who could eat you, likes wolves and bears. Bond with them, feed them, love them and we can all be friends.....except if these animals happen to have names like Scarface or Three Toes. 3. If you have a radio it will break and exactly the wrong moment and you'll be SOL. Except, that you will have your Super dog Crust to save your hide when you do stupid things like put a little too much trust in nature or have too much fun frolicking.
Anyway, next time you are in the mood for some good clean entertainment for your kids and in the mood to make fun of a really out of touch movie, I'd recommend this one!
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